My husband doesn’t want me: reasons and how to improve the intimate side of life. Just tired or got a mistress? Why doesn't a husband want a wife? Talk about intimate topics
We have been living with my husband for almost six years, we sleep in different rooms, we have sex once a month, or even less often. Most often, I am the initiator of this. When I try to approach him, he refuses me, citing the fact that it’s too early to get up, or he has a headache, or he’s very tired. And after such refusals I get nervous, he calls me preoccupied!
I’m so tired of enduring, the lack of sex leads to constant quarrels, this situation irritates me. And the rest is not all good either. When I come home from work, he locks himself in his room, I go to my room. I feel so sad that the years go by and there is no communication at all! I began to think about my lover. I have already started looking at other men. I myself am not fat, not ugly, I take care of myself.
Katerina, Ukraine, 30 years old / 05/09/18
Our experts' opinions
Alena
I didn’t catch from the letter whether you have children. It seems that no. However, even if there are these, I can only advise one thing: change your husband. You don’t love each other, your husband doesn’t want you, doesn’t feel desire when he sees you, doesn’t reach out to communicate with you. Why is such a marriage needed? And why, for the sake of its formal preservation, look for solutions to the problem on the side?
Why have a lover if it is fashionable to have a new husband? What connects you with that person who lives with you in the same communal apartment? Why ruin your reputation? Just get a divorce and have whoever you want, but without cheating.
Take it for granted that your relationship has exhausted itself, and for a long time. And move on. By the way, I don’t always advise breaking off relationships. But in your case this is the only way out. Weigh the pros and cons of your long marriage. Assess your prospects for the future. Honestly imagine what will happen to your couple in 10 years. And you will understand that your problem is deeper than the lack of sex. Even an impotent man can please a woman if she is important to him. You are 30 years old. What are you waiting for and why?
Sergey
Katerina, we are all people, we are all different, and everyone has their own attitude and views about everything in the world. Your desires, strengths, capabilities, character. Moreover, for the most part, they are caused not so much by upbringing, promiscuity, or, on the contrary, complexes, but by personal, purely physical characteristics. Accordingly, everyone has their own sexual appetite. It is only in porn films that people are ready to copulate for hours at any age, several times a day. IN real life, in the vast majority of cases, everything is completely wrong. Physiology, you know, and directing are opposite things. This is especially true in families where the partners have already lived with each other for more than one year.
Alas, according to general observations, daily sex in a regular couple lasts very long. Somewhere from a week to a year on average, depending on age, health, and external conditions. Then the “bed meetings,” along with the passion, inevitably begin to subside. And after six years, when the time comes for a crisis in family life, everything can stop altogether. So you are lucky if there is at least a monthly regularity.
No, this does not mean that the husband has become impotent, or the wife is frigid. And desires and feelings have not gone away. And there are quite possibly no lovers. Well, at least for now. Just for the time life together, and life in general, people change. And as a result of these changes, both purely physiological and psychological, a huge number of contradictions often accumulate between partners, which they often cannot resolve themselves, because they do not know how. As a result, instead of talking, trying to understand and accept each other, learning to seek a compromise, people accumulate tension, which eventually breaks through, and the couple falls apart.
Much has been said about how women get headaches and develop frigidity. But why does a man - an alpha male, always thirsty for sex - not want intimacy, but when he goes to bed, turns his back to his wife and, without the slightest hint of intimacy, begins to snore sweetly?
The woman worries: “My husband doesn’t want sex... Has he stopped loving me? Did you get yourself another, younger one? Am I no longer attracting or arousing him? Did he notice that I had gained weight? Is our marriage at risk?
Let's figure out how such fears correspond to the real picture, and how to correct the situation by warming up the family bed?
Why doesn't a man want sex?
If a man refuses sex, this does not mean that he recently met his classmate, whom he loved in his youth. That a forgotten love flared up in him, and now he falls asleep and wakes up with the thought of another woman...
Also, this does not mean that your thighs in translucent lingerie and red lips no longer cause admiration in his eyes and an erection in his pants.
The lack of sexual initiative on his part also does not mean that you need to suffer from nervous insomnia, go to file for divorce in the morning, pack your things and leave with the children to see your mother.
The reasons may not be as dramatic or complex as you think.
He has another woman
Usually, this is the first version that comes to girls' minds. As soon as such a “brilliant” thought flashes in your head, it seems that all the cards are aligned: he sits on his phone too often and smiles for no reason, he never opens notifications in front of you, he’s been late at work for the last week, he walks strange...
But how often are such paranoid thoughts justified?
Stress and fatigue
Workaholism interferes with proper rest, sleep, communication with friends, and even more so, sex. Men are no exception. There are times when you need to work for days, solve business issues, go to meetings and promote your business. Relationships, sex, family temporarily recede into the background.
What new panties are there if you can go bankrupt? What kind of strip bar when you need to provide for your loved ones? What kind of shibari show if tomorrow is a meeting with a foreign business partner?
Health problems
Many men do not like to visit doctors, put off visits to the hospital until the last minute, and endure pain and discomfort in silence and with a straight face. Especially if the problems concern male dignity.
While you are thinking: “My boyfriend has lost interest in me,” he may have difficulties with erection and potency, which will result in sexual lethargy. Especially if the spouse is not 25 years old. With age, the libido of the stronger sex decreases, they worry about this (although they do not give themselves away), they are afraid of failure in bed or ridicule from their partner.
The burden of responsibility
In society, a man is perceived as a restless alpha male with unlimited sexual capabilities and resources. It's time to admit that this has not been the case for a long time. Initiative in bed, erotic hints, active actions in sex are not only a man’s responsibility.
A woman should not play the role of a log that waits for a man's orgasm, sighing sadly during intercourse.
The longer a relationship lasts, the more difficult it is for a man to bear the burden of responsibility for intimacy. It’s as if his woman does not take part in the decisions: what position, how active, for how long, whose orgasm is a priority, but simply waits: “Take me.”
And if a man does not show up, but gives the initiative to his partner, her usual pattern breaks down and she makes an offensive, painful and cruel verdict: “The guy doesn’t want me.”
Difficulties in relationships
Having regular sex sometimes leads to the misconception that the relationship is fine too. But if you make love only after a quarrel, broken plates and screams throughout the apartment, such passion will not last long.
Silencing claims, discontent, and desires makes people more constrained - not only in bed, but also outside it.
If you have a crisis in your relationship, misunderstandings, rudeness and mutual accusations, you shouldn’t count on cool sex scenes, vivid orgasms and sex until dawn.
Reefs of everyday life
If you only write messages to your husband a la: “Buy cheese and cucumbers”, walk around the house in an old terry robe that hides all your curves, with unshaven legs, a dull bun on your head and completely turn off the “lady” next to your partner - he will become bored .
Where is that sexy girl he fell in love with and got excited by just looking at her long legs/hair/eyelashes? Maybe you yourself have buried sex, intimacy and romance by being too lazy to express yourself in an erotic way, and you think that if he once had an erection on your butt, now this will happen all his life?..
He doesn’t want me: what should I do?
Go to the doctor
If a man refuses sex too often but still treats you lovingly, talk to him gently about his health. Ask him what's bothering him. Don’t push, don’t scare me with prostatitis, old age and potency.
You can say that you yourself thought to get checked “just in case”, and offer to do it “for company”. Remember - some men need time and mental effort to decide to go to the doctor.
In any case, let your spouse know that you are ready to discuss any topics, even the most intimate ones, without judgment or ridicule.
And it doesn’t matter whether he goes to a urologist or a psychotherapist - be there.
Go on vacation
If your man is exhausted by work, you notice that he walks like a squeezed lemon after business meetings and events - it’s time to take the initiative into your own hands. Invite your spouse to take a little break away from career ladders and secrets of success. It is not necessary to take a full vacation, spend all your savings on air tickets, and then find yourself in a financial abyss upon your return.
Go to the countryside for the weekend, organize a BBQ party for friends at your dacha, go to a dance master class together.
You won’t be able to relax after ten minutes of eating borscht for lunch – understand.
Choose the best option in terms of finances and time to take a little break from everyday hustle and bustle and worries: an unsigned contract, an unfinished dialogue and a burnt-out light bulb not screwed in in the corridor will wait.
Discuss relationships
Talk to your partner instead of googling, “Why doesn’t my husband want a wife?” There can be a huge number of reasons, and they can be more personal and sophisticated than illness and fatigue at work.
Feeling uncomfortable in your relationship? Talk. Are you worried that your spouse has cooled down? Share your worries with him.
Even if you are worried that he has another woman, a mistress or three mistresses, you can ask directly: “Do you have someone besides me?” But remember, when asking such a question, you must be prepared to hear the most unexpected and, possibly, painful answer.
Bring on the passionate kitty in you
You are not your spouse’s mother, stop asking if he put on clean underpants, if he brushed his teeth before going to bed, and what food he will take with him to work tomorrow. You are the woman with whom he once fell in love, who excited, inspired and inspired.
Cultivate these possibly forgotten states within yourself. Flirt with your husband public places, hint at sex in SMS: “Buy cucumbers that are as hard as your penis...”, dress more revealingly, at least at home.
Sometimes it’s better to take off your cozy warm socks, step away from the hot stove, turn off your favorite TV series and turn off the lights. Instead, put on erotic lingerie, turn on soft romantic music and light a few candles.
Don't expect a man to always see you as the sexy goddess of love and orgasms, just become her!
Talk about intimate topics
Maybe you used to be turned on by having sex in the missionary position with the lights off, but now you're bored with the monotonous movements. It's not weird. Predilections change, sensitivity to monotony and monotony decreases.
Try discussing your sexual preferences with your partner. What fetishes turn you on? Men with glasses, light stubble and the top button undone? Gently hint to your spouse what role you would like to see him in.
And ask him what turns him on? When he lightly turns his head at passing girls, don’t rush to slap him in the face and throw a tantrum across the entire avenue. Watch, maybe these women have something in common? Long hair? Red dress? Straw hat? Emphasized waist?
Study your partner - it will help you in bed!
Organize “offline” days
Agree with your husband to turn off notifications from time to time, hide your phones in another room and stay alone. Let none of you be bullied by work colleagues, business partners, teachers from kindergarten or Instagram girlfriends.
Allow yourself to be alone. Go to a seafood restaurant for dinner, go to the mountains with a tent for the weekend, take a tour of your city's parks, go skydiving, take the kids to their parents/nanny and enjoy the company of your partner!
Maybe you weren't excited because you didn't notice each other? Have you looked around, at your phone, at the horizon, at the road, at a receipt in a store - but not at the eyes of your loved one?
Offline mode will help you correct this omission and build intimacy.
Can our sex be saved?
In most cases, yes. Just remember: sex, orgasms, erotic innuendo and satisfaction are the responsibility of both partners. If a man doesn't want you, this is a common problem in couples. Be ready to take the first steps in reconciliation, develop your sexuality and be active in bed.
It is important for a woman to be loved and desired. Therefore, cooling of passion on the part of a man is perceived as a disaster. “Why doesn’t my husband want me? What can be done? — these questions haunt me. The wife becomes offended, withdraws and the relationship between the spouses becomes tense. To prevent things from turning into a desire for divorce, you need to take active steps. First of all, understand the possible reasons.
Why a husband doesn't want a wife: main reasons
There is no single algorithm that could realistically calculate the cause in each specific case— people differ in susceptibility, habits, character, hormonal levels and other factors. Therefore, we must take into account that the reasons given below may not apply to all husbands. Most often, the cooling of sexual fervor is caused by:
Fatigue. This includes physical fatigue, when a man is able to think of bed only as a place of rest, and emotional fatigue, when he is overcome by restless thoughts.
Health problems. If lethargy does not go away for weeks, sleep has become restless and problems with appetite appear, then there is probably a malfunction in the body. Even if it’s problems with the joints or stomach, everything can cause apathy. It’s enough to remember yourself - do you really want to make love when something hurts? In addition, there may well be problems with men’s health itself.
Problems in relationships. Representatives of the stronger sex also have feelings and emotions. Not all women take this into account. Harsh words, grievances, accumulated unresolved conflicts alienate people from each other in every sense. Firstly, the spouse himself will not be sure that sex is appropriate in this situation. Secondly, it may be difficult for him to forgive something and move past it for the sake of love.
The appearance of your beloved. “Appearance is not the main thing”, “he loves me for my soul” - these opinions also have a right to life. But men love with their eyes, so to evoke desire you need to get rid of the stretched robe and at least be neat. And even better - take care of beautiful underwear and figure.
Unhealthy attitude towards sex in the family. “I tell you - you tell me” is a common formula for relationships in some families. And fundamentally wrong. Some ladies take advantage of the physical needs of guys, extorting certain things or behavior from them. “If you don’t buy it, I won’t give it,” “I won’t give it until you do as I want” - because of such blackmail, men begin to perceive sex as something inevitably associated with trouble. And there is absolutely no desire to have trouble.
Hobbies. It may seem strange to some, but among the stronger sex there are people for whom hobbies can even replace sex. Usually this is something that evokes strong emotions: a parachute or bungee jump, cycling down a mountain, or even a hot fight in computer game. A surge of adrenaline causes the appearance of endorphins - pleasure hormones.
Addiction to pornography. Porn materials filled the Internet. Many do not see anything bad in it and in vain. Scientists from the National Family Research Organization have concluded that pornography promotes kinky behavior and can deprive a person of the ability to enjoy normal intimate relationships within the family. Experts in the field of behavioral sciences share the same opinion.
Treason. The first reason that comes to women's minds. And she also cannot be written off: when a man cheats or is simply in love with another, his life partner does not evoke strong emotions in him. But in this case, in addition to decreased sexual activity, there are other “signs”: secrets, delays at work and on business, sometimes the phone is turned off, and so on.
Pregnancy and childbirth. This situation is worth discussing separately. Sometimes husbands refuse to have intimacy with their pregnant wife for fear of harming her or the child. Moreover, these fears often do not go away with the birth of a child. On forums for pregnant women and young mothers you can often find questions like: “My husband doesn’t want to sleep with me, the baby is already six months old.” This is because the baby’s father perceives his beloved no longer as a wife, but as, first of all, a mother. Sometimes women themselves move away from their life partners, spending absolutely all their time with the child: the spouses eat at different times, the mother goes to bed with the child early in the evening, and the young father remains bored.
What to do first
Don’t panic and don’t get hysterical, don’t say that he’s all lying about being tired. To find out why my husband doesn’t want me, I will need calm and patience. There is no need to start with scandals and accusations - this will only worsen the situation. Instead of categorical accusations, it is better to use speech patterns that speak about experiences: “it seems to me...”, “I feel as if...” And finish the thought with the question: “What do you think about this?”
When it comes to fatigue, the recipe is simple - give the person a rest or wait until a busy week has passed. If fatigue does not go away, then suggest taking vitamins or going to the doctor.
You will probably need to reconsider your behavior in the family. Often people allow themselves to talk to family members less respectfully than to strangers, arguing that they “should understand.” No. Our loved ones deserve politeness and the kindest words. And if wrong behavior was committed, it is worth apologizing - love is more valuable than hurt pride.
You will need to step over laziness, fatigue and conceit and still take care of yourself: your figure, skin, hair and clothes. What can we talk about desire if a woman smells unpleasant, and she is dressed in a greasy robe - it’s not easy to even hug her.
Hobbies are a big part of a man's life. The ideal option is to share his joys with your husband and be there at this moment - so that euphoria is associated not only with some business, but also with your wife. It wouldn’t hurt to try to diversify sex life- not only at home, on the couch, in a familiar position, but also outdoors in a tent or somewhere else.
Overcoming an addiction to pornography is usually much more difficult. He may need the help of a psychologist who will explain how harmful this habit is and help him overcome it. Psychological assistance It may also be necessary to get rid of the fear of your pregnant wife.
In the case of betrayal, you need to try to find out what is really happening. Some will decide to fight for their family, others will decide to get a divorce. But it is unlikely that you will be able to force a desire to outdo your rival.
If you focus on the thoughts “my husband doesn’t want me anymore,” it’s easy to get bogged down in resentment and move away even more. There are several general concepts that will help improve the intimate side of life:
It is important to remember that thoughts should be focused on what can be done if my husband doesn’t want me, and not on his shortcomings.
The psychology of men is different from that of women, so it is not easy to understand, let alone somehow influence it. Therefore, the help of a specialist will be very useful. Doctors often recommend focusing on the fact that first of all we need to love each other and show love by listening carefully, not rushing to be offended and discussing disagreements.
With this in mind, you can return to family life joy and pleasure from love.
Alla, Moscow